Travel advice for Spanish tourists abroad

Last week, news of the arrest of two Spanish female tourists in New Zealand after they were caught urinating in public in New Zealand attracted a considerable dose of media attention. What shocked many readers was that instead of apologizing, they tried to defend their actions claiming that it was something "common in Spain". While some voices have criticized them harshly, we want to think that it was a genuine misunderstanding. Many Spaniards, through no fault of their own, do not understand that many things which are indeed "common in Spain" are actually frowned upon in the civilized world. While the presence of Spanish tourists abroad will probably drop once Catalonia leaves and Northern Europe and Great Britain get fed up with subsidizing a failed state, high enough numbers may remain to justify the drawing of a list of unacceptable practices. This should in no way be taken as criticism of Spain, but simply an attempt to avoid further unfortunate incidents. There are of course myriad aspects in which Spain differs from modern, serious, democracies. But we will stick to just 10.

 

1.- DO NOT THREATEN ANYBODY NOT WISHING TO BE SPANISH. After losing most of her empire, this should be simple common sense in Spain, but Madrid is still threatening Gibraltar (200 incidents at sea in 2012, hours-long queues at the land border) and Catalonia (constant calls for a coup, and government warnings that the criminal law may be employed to prevent a referendum). Get over it, being Spanish is not very fashionable, to put it mildly, and by threatening people you simply make them even less inclined to join or remain within Spain.

 

2.- DO NOT SUDDENLY LEAVE ALLIED MILITARY OPERATIONS. Of course, Spain does not really care about NATO and the security of her "allies", but at least try not to make it so blatantly obvious. If you have to leave, give ample warning, and wait until alternative arrangements have been made.

 

3.- DO NOT BUILD TRAINS TO NOWHERE WITH OTHER PEOPLES' MONEY. Well, actually you should not do it even with your own funds, but it is an even worse sin if you are sucking dry EU and Catalan taxpayers. Understand that at the end of the day, markets rule, and that sooner or later you will run out of other people's money.

 

4.- DO NOT TELL PRIVATE AIRLINES WHERE TO FLY. Take a cue from civilized countries, where they are free to fly to whichever destination they fancy, and stop forcing them to fly to Madrid. All airports under a single state-owned company? Who thought of that, Uncle Joe? Train and underground to Barajas while El Prat's new terminal is left without? Wake up and follow economic logic, not nationalistic, autarchic follies. By the way, stop blockading flights to Gibraltar.

 

5.- DO NOT PREVENT TRAINS FROM REACHING PARIS AND TOLOSA (TOLOUSE). Now, there is nothing wrong in promoting trips to Madrid (with your own money, of course), but actually blocking already built railways is going a bit too far. Please understand that it is up to individuals, families, and companies, to decide where to travel. The days of the five-year plan are over. Also bear in mind that Paris is not, repeat is not, drilling the Central Pyrenees to fulfil your darkest fantasies. Instead, the French Government, the European Commission, and anybody in his right mind, are adamant that Catalan ports must be connected to European transport networks. So ... tear down this wall ! (sounds familiar, doesn't it?).

 

6.- DO NOT SUPPORT COMMON, OR GARDEN, DICTATORS. So, if a military Junta in need of popular support decides to invade a democracy, and the matter comes before the UN Security Council while you happen to hold a seat there (of course, you should never have been elected in the first place, but let us set that aside for a second), vote for freedom, not tyranny. Or, if you decide to side with dictators, at least have the decency to renounce any further subsidies from British taxpayers.

 

7.- ARREST AND EXTRADITE TERRORISTS. Linked to the above, if the Junta is not content to use force against civilians but decides to send some "tourists" to Spain with explosives on the diplomatic pouch to attack ships in Gibraltar, arrest and deliver them to the British authorities. Again, should you decide to simply send them back as your honoured guests, ask their government, not London, to subsidize your follies.

 

8.- GET UP WHEN THE US NATIONAL ANTHEM IS BEING PLAYED. Or any other Allied national anthem, for that matter. We know that envy corrodes your soul, but if you want to be as prosperous as America you know what you have to do, work as hard. By the way, since we are referring to one of your recent prime ministers, please stop electing politicians with no command of English to high office. We are fed up of spending money on interpreters.

 

9.- STOP SUBSIDIZING TERRORIST ORGANIZATIONS (INSTEAD, YOU COULD SPEND A BIT MORE ON DEFENCE). Of course, we know your King is at ease among regimes refusing to recognize Israel's right to exist, and we can also understand that your values are similar, but please remember that as a NATO and EU member state you are not supposed to do anything threatening the national security of fellow allies. And, by the way, do not be so generous with the Palestinians. Didn't you claim you were poor in order to get massive EU subsidies? Then stop wasting millions of dollars in the Middle East. On the other hand, weren't NATO members supposed to invest 2% of their GDP on defence? Or are you also expecting other countries' taxpayers to foot the bill? Free riders are despicable, man up and do your bit.

 

10.- DO NOT PAY ANY RANSOMS TO PIRATES. Nothing against Hollywood pirates, who doesn't enjoy a bit of action on the big screen?. But, when we are talking about modern-day piracy, please stop giving them money. Don't you see that, like pigeons, the more you feed them the more there will pop up? And, needless to say, that translates into further future kidnappings of other countries' citizens. Ever heard about collective security? Oh, we almost forgot, special forces are designed for cases like this, not to prevent the exercise of the right to self-determination. So, redeploy them.

 

 

Alex Calvo is a Professor of International Relations and International Law, Head of the IR Department, and Postgraduate Research Director, European University (Barcelona Campus). An expert on Asian security and defence issues, he got his LLB from the School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS, University of London) and is currently doing an MA in Second World War Studies at the University of Birmingham. He is a former teaching and research fellow at the OSCE Academy in Bishkek (Kyrgyzstan).